It was the following Sunday and Dana was still moping on Davon’s couch. Yeah—it’s pathetic. So pathetic that Dana was drowning his misery in fatty pizza, beer and Pepsi. And the shame of it all was that Dana’s a Coke-drinker. He even called in sick to work for the week so he wouldn’t have to bump into Adrian. Amazing what a little bit of love can do to a guy. Still, he hadn’t shed a tear. Somehow he couldn’t cry this time like he did before. This time it was like he was so much more emotional that it was just too overwhelming to cry. This time he was confused, unsure, hurt, still in love, and just wanting to end it. With the entire jambalaya of emotions, he just couldn’t squeeze crying in. But the saddest of sads was that he checked all of his voice mails and saved every one. After all the extremes he went to, to avoid him, he still couldn’t survive the day without repeatedly listening to his voice. He was actually on the couch doing this as Jason walked in.
“He hasn’t left any.”
“You almost sound disappointed.” Jason didn’t try to hide his amusement.
“It’s after twelve.”
“Why don’t you just call him?”
“No. Besides, after I threatened to kill him in public yesterday, he probably hates me.”
“How come I don’t know about this?”
“It only happened last night. You weren’t working, so the buzz didn’t come in the club to you. I’m sure if you check your messages, someone’s called and told you.”
“Maybe. So what happened?”
“So I bumped into him while I was just coming out from one of those relaxing jazz bars in town. He and his friends were bar-hopping and heading to the club. He was practically on his knees, begging me to forgive him. Having not seen him in so long, I had all this pent-up rage, so I just pulled out my gun, put it to his head and basically told him to fuck right off.”
“You did that in public? You could’ve just walked away.”
“I know, but—”
“Look, it’s been almost a whole week. And after that last conversation about your emotions, you should be fully aware that I’m capable of this conversation.” Dana could only look at him after that statement. The first two days, Jason stormed out and halted the conversation after only twenty minutes. Then once Dana had finally gotten past his patience issues, it took another two weeks to make the explanation of his emotions make sense.
“Don’t look at me like that. Just talk, 'cause if you don’t get off my couch, I’m calling your mom. I can’t deal with this. I mean I won’t. I won’t let you hide here in my house after tonight, even if I have to strap the two of you in a chair till you get it together.”
“Look, I want to forgive him. But—I don’t know. I want to kill him too, but I can’t. Every time I think about him I want to call him, but I don’t ‘cause when I dial his number I just get angry, so I hang up. He basically told me that me and my family are nothing. I just want to forget it all and move on.” Dana paused. Jason thought this was utterly confusing. To him Dana hadn’t had one separate thought. It seemed as if he was just stringing them all together. How could Jason possibly understand something if Dana couldn’t even make sense of it? But being the amazing best friend that he is, he nodded like Dana was making sense and gave the only obvious, yet supremely insightful, response.
“But you can’t.”
“No. I can’t just stop loving someone. Especially since he’s my first love. I’ve never been in love before. He’s been through all this before. He had it all sorted out by the time I walked out the restaurant. Keeps leaving nice messages. Isn’t all up in my grill tryin' to force me to forgive him. Why isn’t he angry I won’t talk to him? Why can’t he be mad? Am I the only one hurt in this thing?”
Now this was something that he did understand. “Don’t be stupid. He just knows that this is hard for you and is allowing you to deal. If you go or if you stay, he just wants you to do it in your own time. Just call him. What’s the worst that could happen? You already tried to kill him. Besides, how can you know if something is truly broken unless you try to fix it?” That was when Dana’s phone rang.
“Hello.”
“What are you doing answering the phone? Shouldn’t you be getting back with Adrian by now? Jason told me he’d have you sorted out by one.”
“Huh?”
“Oh. My bad. It’s only ten to one now. Call you back in a few. I’m expecting voicemail 'cause you'll be too blissfully in love with Adrian to answer my call.”
“Bye, Mom.” Dana looked at Jason who pretended to not know who called. Rather stupid on his part. Dana did just say “Bye, Mom.”
“How could you?”
“I just told her there was nothing to worry about. I’d have it sorted out by one. Besides I didn’t tell her.”
“Well?”
“I called Adrian and vaguely hinted at how devastated she would be to hear that her son was on a breakup with impending recovery. He couldn’t believe you hadn’t told her, so he told her and she called me.”
“I can’t believe you. You’re supposed to be my friend.”
“So I meddled in your love life—even after you said not to. I’m your friend, and it’s my job to ignore you when you’re being an ass. You should be thanking me.”
“For plotting behind my back?”
“For saving your love life,” Dana smiled. “See? That’s the first smile you’ve had all week. Is that our doorbell? I wonder who that could be.” Dana went to answer the door, and Jason’s phone rang.
“Did I call at the right time?”
“Your timing was perfect. A second sooner and it might not have worked. I had him prepped and ready.”
“So how is he doing?”
“Still staring out the window by the door, trying to decide if he wants to let him in or not. I’m not letting my plan go to shit 'cause he has no backbone. Davon, go open the door.”
“Are you serious?”
“Open the door.” Davon left the living room and opened the door, then made a quick retreat. He wasn’t trying to get caught in the middle of a domestic fight.
“So when you going to take me to Italy?”
“Huh?”
“You do own a vineyard, don’t you? If I’m going to drink, I might as well taste some of the best wine in the world.”
“That’s all you have to say? I’ve been ignoring you for a week, and all you can do is ask about wine?”
“I take my substances seriously. And my criminals when they tell me I’m an ass and knock over a waiter in the process of storming out the restaurant. So come on. Let’s go already”
Adrian turned and walked away, not even giving Dana a chance to speak. He had no other choice but to follow. As they pulled out the driveway, Dana tried to speak.
“I don’t want to hear it. You were right. I was wrong, and I’m not allowing you to be mad at me.”
“Well, I can see you’re still stubborn. Not much has changed in a week.”
“What? I’ve put on five pounds. I’m finally getting my weight back after being in a coma for so damn long.”
“God. You’re impossible sometimes.”
“So you like the new sound system and the movie player? I thought the jeep could use a little updating.”
“Yeah, I like it, Lil’ man. So how did you know that I wouldn’t just kill you if I saw you again?”
“The way you tried to kill me yesterday. There was something about the passion in your eyes when you had me on my knees with a gun to my head. That kinda fire could only be fueled by love, and I knew in that moment that if you did kill me, it would be worth it. Mind you, my heart was racing to like a million beats, almost pounding out my chest in fear. You did have a gun to me, after all. And love makes you do some crazy things.”
“You’re one serious mess, Lil’ man.”
“But you still love me. Let’s have lunch on the beach.”
They had just ordered dessert when Dana felt compelled to say something.
“I’ve got to say something before we get all couple-like again. You gotta stop the girl thing.” Adrian laughed, shooting wine out of his nose.
“Where’d that come from? I was expecting something more, I don’t know, drastic.”
“I just don’t understand it. I mean if you left me for a man fine, but for a woman? What does that say about me as a gay man that you’d rather be straight? Honestly, what do you even see in them?”
“You’re really bent out of shape over this one, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. And stop smiling.”
“Why? It’s amusing.”
“I’m only saying it’s like a girl’s husband leaving for a man, and vice versa. It’s kind of a blow to one’s sexual preference when their partner decides to take the opposite. Like you just aren’t good enough.”
“Okay. But you don’t have to get all hysterical about it.”
“I just don’t understand what you would need a girl for if you have me. How do you even do it?”
“Do what exactly?”
“You know. I can’t even imagine being in the same room naked with a girl.”
“You mean you’ve never?”
“I’m a gay man. Why would I be wasting my time with women?”
“Because—”
“Spare me the details. I’m trying to enjoy this ice cream. Why can’t you just do guys?”
“It’s not the same.”
“Will you stop laughing at me?” Even Dana had to laugh. This was funny in a Dana sort of way. “How you expect me to be serious if you keep laughing?”
“Nah, it’s just that I’m bi, so I don’t really see things the way a straight man or a gay man would. It’s amusing. Does this mean I have to give up my straight porn?”
“I guess not. But why do you need porn when you have me?”
“You can take away the girls, but you can’t mess with the porn. That’s just crazy talk.”
“What’s so funny?” Adrian just happened to know the waitress, and she wanted in on the joke.
“I can’t have sex with girls anymore.”
“What? That’s insane. Why?”
“You should ask him.”
“Well?” Dana remained silent but started to get a little red with embarrassment.
“He doesn’t think I should find women sexually attractive.”
“What? These voluptuous curves not appetising?”
“That’s what I say. But he just thinks girls are gross.”
Dana was getting even redder. Adrian found his uneasiness cute and persisted.
“You should let him see what a girl feels like. You could even let him take his tongue and—”
“Oh God! Enough.”
“Alright, D.S.,” Adrian said chuckling.
The two of them decided to go for a walk along the beach. Dana grabbed Adrian’s hand as they were walking, which almost sent him into shock. Dana, the most non-physical affection-type guy he knew, was here walking hand in hand with him. Maybe the universe was shifting in his favour at last. At this rate he may even have control over his funds again. But that was when disaster struck.
A guy came along and hinted at what a good time he had with Adrian weeks ago, back when he was supposed to be going through his body-hating slump.
“You’ve had sex?” Dana asked as the other guy walked away. “During the two months you were going on about how you hated your body?”
“Well, yes.” No more hand holding after that admission. “D.S..”
“I can’t believe that here I am feeling all sorry for you. Hoping the old Adrian would resurrect himself and you were already up and running.”
“Look, it’s not that simple. I could think I was the ugliest, most undesirable person on earth but—I have a problem.” Adrian started to cry. “I’m an addict. Strangers, orgies one night stands, you name it. With women or men, sometimes both at the same time. Safe, not safe. I just can’t control myself.”
“When was the last time you got tested?”
“All the time, but I’m always afraid of the results, so I never go back.”
“Stop crying already. You’ve obviously had sex since the last time you got tested, so we’re just going to have to get tested tomorrow.” Dana could’ve just walked away knowing that there was a strong possibility that Adrian could’ve given him something due to his reckless sexual behaviour. But if he walked away and this addiction finally took hold enough to drag him down, could he live knowing he did nothing to help? No. He could not. So he made the call and set up an appointment with Adrian’s doctor.
“And this is it. No more sex.”
“You want a complete halt.”
“Slowing down doesn’t work for you. I’m sure you’ve tried and bounced back.”
“This is true.”
“I may not have thought it was serious, but I notice when you sneak out at night. I just didn’t think anything of it. I mean, I was doing the same.”
“Yeah, but you would even wake me up to tell me. You weren’t hoping you would be able to escape unnoticed. I was trying to hide it.”
“I should’ve known better. In any event, it’s behind us and we are moving on with it, together. Let’s go catch a movie.”
***
It seemed like they were waiting forever. Where was the doctor already? Did he really need to wait for these results? Adrian was a complete wreck as his thoughts travelled. Same-day results were a little trying. He would’ve preferred to just stop sex for a week and come back. At least then his panic may have died. But sitting here waiting, with Dana beside him all calm—he didn’t understand that at all. Adrian could very well have given him a life-threatening disease. They could both be walking corpses, and there he was trying to calm him down. The nurse called them back into the office, and as soon as the doctor came in, only seconds after Adrian had sat back down, he had a minor panic attack. He hadn’t stayed for the results in over three years, and he almost wasn’t conscious for it now that he had. He did have something. Curable, and the doctor assured him it was recent, ‘cause all the tests from before were fine. Dana, however, was STD-free.
“Sexual Addiction.” Dana was in the apartment setting up a session for Adrian.
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Okay, Dr Michaels, Dr. Smith, and Dr.—”
“Michaels will be just fine.” He walked back into the bedroom after getting off the phone. Adrian was still moping.
“I just made you an appointment.”
“Appointment? For what?”
“Therapy.”
“Therapy? I don’t need—”
“Adrian.”
Adrian lay down on the bed in defeat. No point in denying the obvious. He did need help.
“I like you better when you call me Lil’ man.”
“I always call you Lil’ man?” Dana said, not understanding. Adrian looked at him, but he couldn’t see any sarcasm in Dana’s face. He really didn’t know. Obviously, his subconscious was guiding his disappointment, and he never noticed he interchanged names. That only made Adrian feel worse. It was bad enough dealing with Dana when he was consciously disappointed or mad at him. Now even if Dana was trying to hide it, his subconscious would inadvertently tell him by use of his real name. And Dana wouldn’t even know it. That was a level of disappointment that he wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with.
“You want me to come to the first session with you? Don’t pout.”
“I’m not pouting. I think you put on some weight. Must be all that pizza and Pepsi you downed all week.”
“Are you trying to make me mad?”
“Not if it isn’t working.”
“It’s not. I may not have liked being overweight, but I accepted that was how I was way back in my teens. I don’t have body issues. I just like being in shape. I’m not gonna panic if my body changes a bit. Unless I think it makes for a good laugh.”
“Or it gets really out of hand. Like when you first came out here.”
“I was just pudgy.”
“Fat, but it’s okay if you have to tell yourself you were pudgy.”
“I endured lots of fat jokes as a kid. You’re going to have to do better than that.”
“Argh! I hate you sometimes. So you gonna come to bed?”
“It’s only late afternoon. Exercise some willpower.”
“Fine then. I’ll just eat some chocolate and watch a movie.”
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