True to form Susan did attempt to burn Sandjai’s car to the ground. He was ready for her, though. He wasn’t about to go down like that. He had the entire squad barricading it. Instead, she settled for spray painting evil all over his locker. Burning his school books. And managing to burn his clothes after gym class. How she did this no one knows, but he had to walk around in his boxers for the remainder of the day. This idea totally backfired. He actually got more attention being half naked for the day then he did clothed. Thus making Susan more set on revenge.
***
Sandjai was being awoken by the dogs as per usual for a Saturday. This time he made the effort to get to the park on time. Bryan looked like he was in one of his moods today, though. He wasn’t going to get much out of him so straight to business.
Today they did a full bodyweight circuit. Pushups, pull-ups, dips, lunges, squats, burpees, (Bryan called these deathbees) and jumps. When they were finally done their clothes were so wet they could literally wring them out. Sandjai actually did pull his off and wring it out.
“Take your shirt off.”
“What. Nah it’s okay I’ll be fine.”
“I’ve seen people larger than you walk around topless with no shame.”
“They don’t have self-esteem issues Jai.”
“So you’re just going to sit there wet?”
He couldn’t argue with the logic. He was soaked, and it felt disgusting. They always sweated when they worked out, but today there was no I’ll be dry in a few minutes of sun or AC. They were legit swim soaked. They had been all week. Sandjai had upped the workout output without consulting him. Evil sexy man-beast that he was.
“Fine.” He reluctantly took his shirt off but couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone was looking at him. Look at that fat boy over there with his shirt off. He wondered if he would ever be comfortable in his own skin.
“My therapist is trying to suck the joy out of my workouts.” Sandjai laughed too much at this.
“How so?”
“She asked me what would I do if I have the body I want and I’m still uncomfortable in my own skin.”
“Ah, the what if being overweight isn’t the real issue ploy,” Sandjai said sipping on his post workout shake. Bryan nudged him and smiled.
“She’s right, though.”
“That’s why you removed your shirt with less fight this time. Clearly, I should be a therapist. She’s making much better progress.”
“I don’t need your sarcasm.” Sandjai just chuckled. “So I’m working on being happy with the me now so I can enjoy the me I want to be.”
“I’m jealous. She got you to admit that with one stupid question. I’ve been at it for five years.”
“She didn’t save my life, though. You can take full claim to that. You’re the only one who can.” Sandjai let it hang. There’ had been two failed attempts since. In that same year. Both only survived due to some paramedics that refused to let Bryan die. The one time might be the only time someone actually prevented him from doing it.
“Don’t worry. I’m past that stage of my life. I think about it a lot, but It’s not the answer. It’s just hard is all. To resist the impulse.”
“You haven’t tried in years, though.”
“That doesn’t mean much. Writing helps.”
“I told you it would. You--”
“Write,” Bryan finished. Sandjai was a far cry from broken English days. But his accent was just as intensely present. Just like most foreigners he took pride in who he was. It was admirable.
“You know you managed four pull-ups without my help. And you made it halfway through the pushup and lunge routine before falling flat on your ass.”
“Big ass it is I didn’t feel much.”
“I know some people who will say that it’s your best asset.”
“They haven’t seen your ass yet then.”
“Touché. So why were you so sad earlier?”
“Roger.”
“You mean the married guy who takes you out on dates, lets you spend the night when his wife and kids are out of town, keeps telling you how much he loves you when he can’t even use the word gay and himself in the same sentence. Always makes you leave before sunrise unless you’re at some hotel somewhere. The one who picked you up when you were sixteen. That Roger.”
“Yeah. And Dave. And Josh and Mike and Omar and… It’s been a busy week.”
“And you told your therapist.”
“I did.”
“I don’t know what you’re looking for. But you can't find it in people who refuse to give you what you need.”
“But it feels good.”
“Until you leave them. Then you're all depressed and second-guessing yourself and getting all suicidal again and you won’t let anyone make you feel better. Just shut down. You’re not the only one feeling helpless here.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just… I just want to be loved, and for the moment that’s what it feels like. It’s not like a booty call. There’s hugs, and at home movie dates. All of them aren’t even in the closet. It’s just… Me. No one wants to take that step with me. I’m not good enough.”
Sandjai couldn’t say anything to that. It was a losing battle, and there was so much buried in this sexual behaviour that even he knew Bryan would only tell a therapist. It sucked, though. It was like watching a house burn with no water. You knew how to help. Knew what you needed but you just lacked the tools to break through, so the fire persists until it has nothing left to burn. The only difference was that in humans the fire could continue to burn.
“So what are you doing with the rest of your day.”
“I have a date with Andre.”
“Don’t do it.”
“What?”
“Don’t. You know he’s not the one. You have to start somewhere I’m sure your therapist has told you that much.”
“But,”
“But what. This feeling you’re looking for. The amount of men you’ve had sex with to find this feeling is astronomical. And it’s not even like you’re addicted to sex cause you can go forever without it. You’re only eighteen. What will you be like at 25, thirty, beyond?”
“Is it so wrong to want to feel loved. It makes me feel good about myself. What does it matter that it’s not real?”
“So you’re just going to self-destruct. Wait for one of them to treat you like your mom before you wake up to the nonsense.”
“Fuck you!” Bryan put on his shirt which was surprisingly dryish and stormed off to his car. Sandjai didn’t know what happened. He was doing a good job of just being the ear that Bryan needed. Like he had done many times before. What went wrong? And to remind him of how his mother used to beat him. That was a low blow. A really low blow. And it wasn’t just today. They got into a fight about it on Wednesday too. Why was Bryan suddenly more depressed than usual and why couldn’t Sandjai just keep his mouth shut. His phone buzzed, and he checked the message. Well, at least there was one small victory. He was skipping the date with Andre.
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