He hated this kind of stuff. When things got too psychological and emotional, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t like feeling as if he had no control. He always lost it when this ‘brain and feels’ stuff got in the way; acted irrational, beyond the behaviour of your typical teenage boy.
His brother was a shade or two lighter than him and was looking even paler under the bright lighting of the hospital room. He looked at his own skin. He was brownish, maybe a tan was in order. Why was he even thinking about a tan when his brother hadn’t been awake for hours? Avoidance tactics. Trying not to feel the feels but the wall was coming down. He had to protect his brother from whatever made him this way. Everything could be fixed, couldn’t it?
That was when he saw movement. His brother was finally stirring a bit. The first thing he planned to do was call his parents, but something stopped him. He wanted some alone time. It wasn’t like his brother was going anywhere anytime soon. Why not steal some of his time?
“Are you okay?” he asked as his brother finally seemed to regain some semblance of human alertness.
“I’m still alive?”
Jason didn’t know what to do with this comment. What did he mean by “I’m still alive?” Why would anyone prefer the alternative?
“Shit man... I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything.”
“What about me? You didn’t think I’d miss you? What about Mom and Dad? How could you just be so damn…” He almost said selfish but it just seemed wrong and insensitive and he didn’t know what else to say.
“So you do know what to say.” Gregory smiled a bit. Jason smiled back and started crying. The feels had finally started kicking in. Another battle lost.
“You should’ve told me.”
“What? That I’m suicidal?”
“You are? This isn’t just some thing?”
“No. I just do a good job at faking normal. Most crazy people do. I guess now I’ll be forced to deal with it. Depression sucks.”
“It’s that stupid school. You wouldn’t be so messed up if you were in a normal school. Over there with all those… We aren’t like them, Greg.”
“That’s some stereotypical bullshit.” Gregory let it hang for a bit. “I was seeing someone.”
“Really? So that’s the reason you’re in here. What did they do to you?”
“Jason…”
“What did they do to you?”
“Nothing.”
Jason took a real good look at him. He was clearly a bit roughed up recently. He didn’t look like that the last time he saw him. What had happened? He was getting angry. He didn’t know much about depression, but he knew enough to know that whatever happened was more than enough to push his brother over the edge. To bring his issues crashing into the light.
“You need a chill button.”
“What?”
“This is why you don’t know much about me. Your only response to things is aggression. I clearly am an emotionally driven person, and you hate it.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“You do. You always get all weird when you deal with me. Like I’m just too much for you. And now you want to be all ‘Who did it?’ just so you can be all ‘I love you, bro.’ You do hate me. So does mom and Dad. Everyone just thinks I’m trouble.”
Jason didn’t have a comment for that. He didn’t hate his brother. Gregory made him uncomfortable sometimes, but lots of people have those problems. He never thought even for a second his emotional forcefield issues would come off as hate. He made the conscious effort to take a few deep breaths before responding and, most importantly, keeping the shield as low as he could. He couldn’t be a sobby mess and then just retreat back to his comfort zone.
“I don’t hate you. I’m just not comfortable with all this emotional stuff. You think too much.”
“I think too much?” Gregory laughed.
“Yes. You read books. You listen to alternative music; try to solve the meaning of life. Go to private school. Me, I’m a traditional teenage boy. I know it’s all stereotypical. So don’t say it.”
“Well, you just hedged that comment, didn’t you?”
“See stuff like that. Hedged. Who says that?” They both laughed.
“I’m sorry. I know it won’t make it right but… Shit, I can’t even keep a steady girlfriend. I’m only eighteen… a work in progress. Work with me here.”
“It’s hard to work with someone who’s afraid to do anything that requires more than surface emotion.”
“Man, am I that obvious?”
Gregory didn’t say anything. This kid was really hurting. How many other people were so standoffish with him? There but not there. His parents weren’t like Jason so he couldn’t even figure out why Gregory thought they hated him. He did know, however, that he loved his brother. If he was going to be depressed Jason was not going to be any part of his reasons. Not anymore.
“Look, I’m here now. And I do care about you. Man, I’ve been a wreck for hours sitting here praying you’d wake up. And, like you said, I don’t do emotional. Just I dunno. Maybe if I was more like you I could keep a girl. They just want me to stick my penis in them and leave.”
“Well, you are a cute guy. Not as good looking as me though. But okay.”
“Fuck you,” Jason replied with a chuckle.
“See. It’s easy to talk to me if you relax a bit.”
“So who do you talk to? I mean you have to have some way of not feeling so depressed.”
“No one wants to be my friend. Would you?”
Jason didn’t answer. He probably wouldn’t want to be around someone who was clearly faking happy or didn’t even bother to fake it. Then again, this was his brother.
“Maybe not. But people change.”
“Damn. An honest-to-goodness response. Where were you when David fucking hit—”
“David? Who David? Not the David I think you’re talking about. Not my used to be middle school best friend, David.”
“Yes.”
“He’s a fucking thug. I mean I’m no saint. But him, he’s just bad all over. Why would you even allow someone like him to make you feel like life isn’t worth living?”
“Why do you think?”
Jason was honestly lost. He couldn’t think of anything. Nothing at all. They didn’t even go the same school. How did his brother even manage to come in contact with David?
“Did he sell you anything?”
“Some weed. It helps.”
“So that’s who you get it from. Seriously, you should stop hiding and shit. It isn’t like you’re the only pothead in the house.”
“You just got sidetracked easy.”
“So what is it then? Why would, oh…” He suddenly paused as the realisation hit him. He couldn’t be right though. Could he?
“So you and he… well.”
“We did. Treated me like shit but… It feels good to be wanted you know. So I just took it. And yesterday he just… I dunno. But I didn’t even fight back; I took it. He said some things, and I just felt like shit after. I’m always crying and drowning my pain in weed and writing and I just couldn’t anymore. He knew, and he just chucked all my issues at me. I trusted him, and he used it against me.
“Made it seem like it’s my fault no one loves me because I’m so depressed and I think no one can tell, but it’s obvious I’m a head case, a waste of space, basically just something to put his penis up into. That’s the only good I’d ever be to the world.”
“He said that?”
“Yeah. I don’t even remember how I went from that fight to being here. It’s all a blur. But here I am. Bandaged wrists and all.”
Jason couldn’t believe it. His own brother betrayed by the only person he trusted. What types of secrets did he tell? If they were the type, you only tell a therapist, probably intense.
“You need to be more careful. And why didn’t you tell me you were gay?”
“Because we don’t have that kind of relationship. Somehow you have convinced yourself we are the perfect brothers. But that’s just the way you force it to be in your mind. You’re just as cracked up as I am if you haven’t realised this is the most we’ve talked in a while.”
“True. But, David? What about the nice, rich, good boys at that school you go to? Why would you pick scum like fucking David?”
“Man, this is getting a little weird.”
“It’s just sex. We’re men. How weird is it really?”
“I shouldn’t be talking this much anyway.”
“You’re doing fine. Now answer the question.”
“He’s my type.”
“Oh, that shit is not going down. Not if they treat you like this.”
“What are you going to do? I can date who I want. Besides, if these fucking doctors didn’t revive me, we wouldn’t even be talking about my taste in men anyway.”
Jason had somehow lost track of the conversation. All he could think about was David. This guy was getting what he deserved. And any other David type who dared step up to his brother would be very well aware how unwelcome they were. His brother was going to live forever as far as he was concerned.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing. I’m gonna call in Mom and Dad now. And you, you’re going to keep talking to me. No one tells me I hate my own brother. Not even you. Especially when it’s not the truth.”
***
It had been a few years, and Jason was now a father of his own. He was just getting off the phone with his brother when he saw his son walk into the house with this kid that had trouble written all over him. He already didn’t like him. His brother told him what he needed was therapy. Jason decided that denial was the best approach and at this stage in life, he couldn’t see the real reason he disliked these types of children.
His wife grabbed his hand to stop him from doing something stupid. The child was ten. The last thing he needed was for his dad to scare off another possible friend. Somehow he’d managed to find three that his dad actually liked. But beyond that, nothing much.
“Why does he always have to bring in these wild boys? Aren't the friends he has enough wild for him?”
“You weren’t exactly grade-A boy yourself, Jason.”
“I know that, but you know what I mean.”
She wanted to say something more but broaching the David topic was futile. He just didn’t get it. He’d realise where all this aggression was coming from someday, hopefully without traumatising their only child.
“Besides, you’re totally missing the obvious anyway.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
She just laughed at him. Jason decided that seven minutes was long enough to wait. He’d make sure this kid wasn’t trying to get his son involved in anything stupid. What did he need a friend two years older than him for anyway?
He walked into the room without even bothering to knock—and was shocked at what he saw.
“Get out of my house.”
Jason went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer.
“So what happened?”
“Your child apparently likes boys.” His wife just chuckled and got back to reading the book she had in front of her.
“What’s so funny?”
“Seriously? That boy has been gay since he came out the womb. After all these years it amazes me that some things completely miss your awareness.”
“And he told you?”
“Sure. We talk about boys all the time.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“Honestly, I thought you just weren’t ready to go there. You get like that. I never dreamed you didn’t know.”
“Great. So now I have to fight off stupid jerks. Maybe he’ll like good boys. I’m gonna have to talk to my brother.”
“Really. You’re going to consult him instead of me?”
“You’ll just mock me. At least when he does it, it’s bearable. Besides, unless you magically turn into a gay man...”
“Okay. Point taken. Just remember he’s your son, not your brother. Don’t do anything stupid.” Jason didn’t hear her. His son wasn’t travelling down the same road as Gregory. Not if he had anything to do with it.
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